Today I Lived

Wrong.

To whoever submitted this [or anyone who has ever thought of such insanely incorrect things]:

“Today I realized I am not special.
I am not unique.
I have no one thing I am good at.
I am barely worth the space I take up.”

Wrong. That is a load of crap. Whoever you are, stop believing these lies about yourself! It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or what kind of things you’ve gotten into. Don’t let the lies take away your worth because you are worth so much more than you could ever imagine. You are special and maybe you haven’t figured out what it is about you that makes you different but one day it’s all going to click and you’re going to realize how beautiful and unique you are. Please don’t give up on yourself.  

715.

Today I was honest with myself. It was both liberating and heartbreaking.

I’m tired of pretending that our long distance relationship doesn’t hurt me as little as people assume it does, simply because I can paint on a happy face. Our relationships hurts twenty times more than what they probably think. I’m tired of putting on a smile when people ask about you. I’m done keeping my thoughts abuot how much I miss you to myself when we’re on the phone. I’m tired of lying to you and telling you that my Sunday was wonderful when really it was spent crying on my bed listening to songs that remind me of you. I want to tell you how hard I cried when my phone deleted the last of the 14 voicemails that I had saved from you because now I could no longer repeat them over and over again just to hear your voice whenever I wanted to.

I wish you’d do the same. I hate that it seems like this is bothering me more than it is you. Do you ever cry? Do you ever see the stars and think of me the way I do you? Do you ever wonder what I’m thinking about? I wouldn’t know because you don’t tell me and I guess to be honest, I don’t either. I want to change that. You don’t have to be the strong one anymore. We both don’t have to anymore.

714.

Today, 708 posted a response to my secret. (Yes, I’m 702.) As much as I’d like to echo your sentiments, I think it would really break my heart (again) to wander in that direction. It’s been too long, too much and too one-sided.

On a side note, today I wondered if I would ever fall in love. I want to feel that fairytale romance, to be swept away. I am secretly afraid that I’m holding on to this want a little too much.

713.

Today I realized I shouldn’t be angry at anyone for something that no one can control. Just because I’m in love with you it doesn’t give you some sort of obligation to love me back, especially so if you’re not attracted to women and I am. Neither of us can help it, and it’s okay. You’ll be my best friend again eventually.

712.

I am so unbelievably in love with my best friend. He has a girlfriend and nothing has ever hurt more than this. Tonight I finally feel like I gave it to God…and I just want to move on. This will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’m so ready to not be in bondage to this anymore. I’m ready to be free. And I’m so grateful God will be there every step of the way.

711.

Today i woke up and felt like a blank canvas. And today, for once, I think im going to stay blank. I dont feel like disturbing my calmness right now.

710.

Today I realized if it wasn’t for you I’d still be nothing. Still be the same kid that was falling for the wrong person and still believing lies, hurting myself more.

You have made things change for me. You don’t know how much, my friend. You helped me grow up. So I have to thank you for that. Thanks!

I am sorry for always leaving you hanging. For not completing my sentences which annoys you so much. But you just don’t get it, do you? The last time we talked, I was about to bring up an awkward topic. Which was? Us.

I wanted to know, what made you change your mind? You told me months ago you were “getting there”, and you just needed time, so you asked for me to wait. So I let you be. Hoping, waiting, each day that finally, you’re gonna say you’re alright and you were up for it and ready.

But that day never came. At first, I thought you just forgot and I just needed to remind you about it. But then I realized, well, normally people won’t forget about something that important, would they? You can’t possibly forget your feelings for someone! That’s just weiiiird! So. Then. I get it. Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe I blew it off in some way. Maybe you changed your mind and realized you don’t feel that way anymore. You know, things changed.

If, by chance, you read this, I backed out and didn’t bring this up because I was afraid. You know, I cannot risk anything with you. I cannot be foolish in times like this. Your friendship’s all I got and if I lose that too? Well. I don’t know anymore..

So today I have realized many things.

1) Maybe I shouldn’t wait around anymore because there is really nothing to wait for. I have learned to be realistic, and that no matter how sincere promises are, things will happen that no one can control and will get in the way, and make everything suddenly different.
2) That people shouldn’t let go of words unless they mean every bit of it. Because if they don’t, sooner or later, someone’s gonna get hurt.
3) Never waste a moment dwelling on the past, waiting around. Do what you can. Do not be afraid, because YOU CAN DO IT. Believe. Because every second passed, it’s a moment that will never come back and be the same again.
4) Do not regret. Because remember, once upon a time, it was worth so much to you.
5) Do not blame yourself or anyone if things didn’t work out. Because, you know what? As the saying goes, whatever happens is the only thing that could have.

And most importantly, you cannot force anybody to feel the same way back. Because it’s their choice, NOT YOURS. All you could ever do is give your best, show what you feel, make every tad of a moment count, and if those feelings doesn’t reach the other person’s heart? Just be glad it grew in yours. :)

709.

Today I realized that this has to stop.

I know it’s not right to keep you from being happy.
In fact, I’ve always wanted you to be happy. Even in my dispense, all I ever wanted is to keep that smile on your face. That’s why I was always there for you. Even if you kept me up in the middle of the night ranting about your ex-girlfriend and how stupid she is for letting you go. I was there. I never complained. Even when you had the worst mood swings, you kept pushing me away. You kept giving off signals telling me to get lost.

But did I leave?
Did I get lost just as you told me to?
Did I give up on you? No.

No I didn’t. Because I wanted to remind you that you’re not alone, you’d always have us. You’ll always have me. And because you were my friend - more even, and I cared more than I should.

But you never saw that. Not even once.

So now, I think this has to stop. I have to be over this. Over you.
I am done believing your false hope. I am done with pretending.

708.

702, I feel you. I know what it’s like.
But I don’t think I’m okay about it.

It’s not okay for me to have gone through everything and then being forgotten just like that. It’s not okay for me in the first place knowing that we are just going to be friends and that’s all we are going to be.
Now, you have disappeared. You don’t care. You don’t talk to me anymore.

Fine, I miss you. Okay, I still care about you.
But I have to accept the fact that you are moving on with your life and I am not going to be part of it anymore.

Today, I learned that as much as we want for things to happen, we can’t. We can’t control life, we can’t control what’s going to happen to us.

I learned that people move on. So we must also move on. Move forward. We can’t keep on getting stuck.

707.

Today, I walked down memory lane. Watching an S Club 7 music video made me realized how much I have grown in the past years, it has also made me realized all the bad things you get when you grow up. Responsibility, Fears, Anxiety. You don’t have all these when you’re a kid (unless if you only have one parent and is the eldest of all your siblings). My point is, I miss the innocence of childhood.

706.

I have kept you in my heart for 4 years now. I have loved you secretly, always treasuring our relationship as friends, but never moving forward and letting you know. Over these four years, we have grown closer and closer, and I can see you letting me into your life more and more. We are so different, yet so alike. We have the same dreams, aspirations, and wishes. We share the same humor and the same thoughts, so much sometimes that I think we must be kindred spirits. Our relationship is one of learning and selflessness, not selfishness. But you have a girlfriend. You have had three girlfriends in these 4 years, and every time you’ve gotten into a relationship, I’ve asked myself why I’m not the one in her place. But it’s my hope in the potentiality of it all that keeps me going on. It’s what keeps me secretly loving you. Today I learned that if I can wait for 4 years, then I can definitely keep on waiting for more.

705.

I can’t believe that I’m only nineteen and already know exactly who I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I feel so blessed. You are everything I’ve waited for.

704.

I went on a walk alongside the river and golden mountains this afternoon. The leaves were bright orange and red, everything was breathing. I was nearing the end of the path when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighbourhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared..