we were poetry written with pens that scribbled out each drop of ink until there was nothing left to write with, but the tide came in and knocked at our metaphors and rhythm, pulling the pages of our little stories and moments further and further from shore, tearing apart our binds and page numbers with the force of a love that has been submerged in stinging salt and swells of water that crawl into the very lungs that admire them. and all our lines have been smudged, and the ink has run down each paragraph, and the paper holding each word floats just beneath the surface - close enough to reach for, but becoming more and more breakable with every particle of water that sinks itself into its stitches, urging its corners to fold and its edges to tear.
Today I thought about him. Today I pictured him in my head and looked for his face on the sidewalks. Today I didn't tell anyone what I was thinking about. Today I wished that he knew my name. Today I wished that I smiled at him, said hi when I had the chance. Today I told myself that no other boy that I meet will be as good as he is. Today I thought about the fact that he doesn't know I exist.
I was self consumed. My mind thought about nothing but the person staring back at me in the mirror. My biggest concern was not my family, or my boyfriend, or my schoolwork, not even the upcoming season or any excitement towards my future, but rather the biggest weight upon my shoulders was stitched with concern over myself. I criticised my height, my face, my arms, my stomach, my back, my legs, my thighs, my smile, my eyes, and my weight. I told and reminded beautiful girls of their self worth and how it breaks the heart of Christ when His daughters pick apart the very parts of themselves that were molded delicately by His hands, yet I didn’t believe my own words when it came to myself. My largest concern was eating less, excercising more, and striving for a type of beauty that man would admire. As I decreased my daily intake, my mood changed. I didn’t care about my neighbour or the hurts of those closest to me, but rather was only focused on how I was feeling. I wore baggy sweaters and walked around with a smug look on my face, because nobody knew of the bones hidden beneath the fabric. No one knew that I could run my fingers up and down each rib, or could feel the ridges of my spine through my shirt. My insides begged for nourishment, my tired heart knocked quicker than usual, and even my bones groaned for rest, but I saw these things as proof that I was winning. My dearest relationships were held by thinning and delicate thread. I got into silly arguments over things that didn’t matter, and I judged people who only spoke to help. My boyfriend constantly and gently reminded me of the truth, of my worth and of the person that I really am and was created to be, but I’d choose to tuck his voice into my pocket and promised myself to believe him later. I never did though, because I was consumed with hate towards myself and content in thinking that I was right.
I love words. I love writing into the late hours of the night until my fingers shake, and during this time I wrote and wrote, but my words were filled with hate. Hate towards myself, and over the very breath in my lungs and the voice in my head. I wrote of my past over and over again, and about the things I have done to hurt myself and the moments where I tore the hearts of others in half, and I convinced myself that I deserved to break - that my past defined me and that I was not worthy of joy or health, or life. With tired eyes and frail fingers, I’d hide my words in the space behind my dresser and would read them every night, adding to the places where I felt that I was too easy on myself. I knew God was there, but I didn’t want him to be. I was so convinced that my past and my bad decisions were enough for Him to look the other way. I could feel Him on those nights where I’d check for my hipbones or check to see if the measurements were really correct, but I’d push Him away and tell him that I deserved to feel this way. That feeling empty was worth it, because nothing felt as lovely as bones and skin.
There is so much more to say, but perhaps those things are better kept where I left them. They don’t matter because I’m not writing this to lay out what my body has been fighting these past few months. I’m not writing these words for pity or for a reason to get noticed. I write them because I need you to know that Jesus saved me, and I want Him to gain all the glory for taking me out of that place, and showing me truth again. Jesus picked me up and whispered love stories into my ears. He took the eyes that criticize and replaced them with His. He took my regret and shame over my past and forgave each moment where I fell short. He picked up each piece of me that was convinced that I was unworthy of all things beautiful, and told me that He takes great delight in me even though I am made up broken pieces. He reminded me that I was created intricately with a specific purpose in mind. A purpose that was carefully laid out for me to strive after. Though I was afraid of Him and what He might say, He came with more love than I can describe with words. He wrapped me in all that He is and peeled away the layers that this world has painted onto me. Layers constructed with words of self hate and selfish strivings for physical beauty and skin and bones written on every inch, He peeled them away and I watched as they shattered at my feet. He held me, though I tried to pull His arms from me, and He breathed Truth into me again and I felt it.
I am worth so much more than what this world and its king has convinced me to believe. Because of how focused I was on myself, I missed out on helping a lot of beautiful people. People who needed a friend and needed someone to listen. I was selfish and self absorbed, and I forgot about what I am here to do. I forgot about the lost souls and the people who are trying to fill themselves up with temporary things only to find that those things are ever enough. And so they continue on with their searches to fill the parts of themselves that they know are empty, and it always ends the same way. I too was empty, and instead of filling myself with truth and love and with the hope that comes from Christ, I filled myself with goals to gain the admiration of man, and to prove to myself that I was strong enough to be in control of something - even when my health was at risk, and even when it was affecting the people that love me the most. Even when it was breaking the very heart of the one who created me. I lost my purpose and I lost my direction. I had it all wrong because my goals of beauty were the most important factors of my life. What was I doing? My life is worth so much more than such trivial things! This world got to my head, and I lost focus on what I am really here for. My life was meant to consist of more than what I have been living for. I have purpose, and it is stunning and gives me more hope than anything else. And I am beautiful because of who I am in Christ. My outward appearance will pass away and crack, but who I am - my character, my soul - is going to last for all eternity, and it is the inward parts of me that I want to be beautiful. I want a heart that God sees as humble and kind, and honouring to Him. I want my life to reflect Him, to glorify Him. Concerning myself with the way I look has only made me incredibly selfish and self serving. This life is not about me - it is about Him, and my greatest desire is that He would increase, and that I would decrease.
I don't understand how you can tell me to move when you know that I am completely in love with you. I don't understand how you can tell yourself that you need to move on because I know that you are completely in love with me. Why can't we do the easy thing which is being in love together? What is so wrong with that? Sometimes, the hardest things aren't the right things.
this is so relevant to my life. i too said goodbye to someone that is in love with me - someone whom i save the most smiles for. despite the fact that we were good together, i realized that i was not in love with him and that my heart belonged to someone else all along. i think his heart is still hurting, and that hurts me, but i can’t keep pretending that i belong to him. thank you for submitting.
We were watching TV when a “withheld” number called my cell phone. I picked up and it was a person asking for Macy. I told her she had the wrong number and hung up. Not thinking in the least about who it was or what they wanted, I continued watching Scrubs with Katie. Just before this, me and Katie were talking about how much it sucked that my dad hates me, and relationship problems, and her boyfriend issues. Two minutes later, they call back, and ask for the same person. But they sounded like they were making fun of me this time, AND it was withheld so I figured it was just a prank call. Once again, I hung up. Distracted with this, I told katie and we started bitching about people who prank call. Of course, this was a hypocritical move on both of us, since we have prank called people numerous times. For a final third time, she called again. I told katie to answer the phone and bitch them out. So she did, but as soon as I heard someone crying on the other line, I took the phone away from her and listened for a minute. It sounded like a girl with autism, but thats only my guess. She was talking about how I (she thinking I was Macy) never called her back, never asked her to hang out, how everyone hated her and didn’t want to talk to her because they were embarrassed to be with her. Then she began talking about how her mother died, and her father left her, leaving her at some home. I calmly told her that I’m sorry, I’m not Macy but she can continue if she liked. She didn’t understand at first but eventually it got through to her that it was the wrong number. She asked what my name was, and I replied it was Hallie. She told me very sincerely that it was a beautiful name. She told me her name was Genette. I asked her why it was a withheld number, and she said she didn’t know what that meant. I let her continue with her story for a little longer, before she had to go. She appologized, and wished me the best of luck. She told me goodbye, and maybe she’d see me someday. I told her goodbye, and hung up the phone.
I was completely dumbfounded that I could be so insensitive, and think that I could actually have a horrible life. Compared to her, my life is absolutely perfect. Compared to a LOT of people, my life is absolutely perfect. I put down the phone, and started crying. Katie was sitting there looking at me, but she didn’t bother to ask, she just let me be. I learned a lot from that 10 minute phone conversation. I try not to complain as much, and I try to see the bright side of everything, just as Genette has been doing. It’s amazing that things like this can happen. I’m so thankful it did.
Hey! I just wanted to let you know about my blog, not go get more followers, but so that people may be encouraged and edified through what God is teaching me and what He is doing in my life. I want people to submit what He is doing in their lives also so that those things may be shared as well. Also, I would love to have many people praying for this blog, that God would use it to bring people closer to Him and living more like Him. If this is something you're interested in, please let other people know of this blog so that many people may be edified and encouraged. Thanks so much!
Everything about us has been the exception. You know everything I’ve done to be near to you even when we couldn’t be together. Even when it was bad timing I stayed around, made myself half depressed for a little while there, and then you helped me get out of it. I’ve had one relationship since we first met, and that lasted a month, and I ended it because it was nothing in comparison to how i felt about you. That’s when I knew for sure that I hadn’t gotten over you. It was christmas eve and I was on my computer at my parents house, and I stayed up super late talking to you, and we reminded each other of the last new years and how good that was. And I was trying so hard not to think of those things but it came up and we did talk about them. And I knew that that relationship had to end. So it did. And I felt like a big jerk because I broke up with her even though I had no reason to believe I’d ever get a chance to be with you again. I’ve not even considered other girls, and since that first kiss under the tree, I’ve considered myself taken. No one else was an option because I’ve never needed another choice. You’ve always been first choice for me. People have thought me to be crazy to keep trying and for being so persistent, but it’s not that hard to be the only one who thinks you’re meant to be with someone. I don’t really believe in all that fate stuff, but rather that some wishes made at 11:11 you have to make happen yourself. And I’ve worked for this, and you know that. Sorry to be lame but it’s true that I built a home for you. Inside me there is a place for you that is fixed into my very foundation. To change that would require demolition. So forgive me if I just want to see if this is a storm we can wait out.”
“I couldn’t stay after you said you could never be with me - I didn’t want to start crying in public. Did you see my eyes burning before you left for class? I hope you meant what you said and that this is what you want, because I don’t think I can bounce back from this one. Are you sure this is what you want? You know what I don’t get? I’ve lost you three times and I still want you back, but you were hurt and now you don’t trust anyone. It’s always a risk. If you like me so much then it should be worth it. Don’t you tihnk it was a risk for me to continuously put myself back out there? I was always deathly afraid that you’d change your mind again and then I’d be even more messed up. I’ve waited this long, I’ll continue waiting. What’s a few more months or a year if it means a lifetime? You’re just scared because you know that if we started dating, we would be together forever. I know it just like you do. Do you know how rare what we have is? If you find it, you don’t give it up for time or because you’re afraid. That’s why I’m still here. I’m not goign to put my money in a lottery for some magical girl you say will come along and be so amazing. I’d rather work every day and save up for you. What’s more like a storybook? The work we have already put in, or waiting for some mythical person to appear? I’ve always compared everyone to you. It never mattered how long it had been, there wasn’t one girl that I wanted more than you. Even when I held other hands and kissed other lips, they were never your fingers in between mine and it was never your breath on my mouth. I just don’t think I want to be without you, even if we never date or get married or whatever. I’d just like you to be close forever. In my mind it’s like this: I like you, you like me, you’re not going to be ready for quite a while, so we just wait. It’s simple and good and alright.”
-a letter from a boy that wants to call me his girlfriend
She idled the engine for a moment in front of her parent’s house before turning the key, feeling the car shudder to a stop beneath her. It was another few moments before she was able to gather the courage to unbuckle her seatbelt, open the door, and clamber from the vehicle.
Her boots— brand-new, high-heeled, ankle-height, black suede— crunched on the snow. It hadn’t snowed in a couple days, but the weather had stayed dismally cold and the snow just kept getting packed tighter and tighter.
Pulling her maroon scarf up to cover her nose, tucking the knitted, frayed ends into her coat to keep them from flying away with the whistling wind, she started up the front walk. It’d been years since she’d been to this particular house, traced these footsteps. There were fresh prints on the walk and cars in the driveway as well as littered along the street; a part of her was relieved to see that everyone else had already arrived safely.
She wasn’t quite sure why she’d received an invitation to Thanksgiving this year, after so many winters of silence. Her parents weren’t the sentimental type; that was, after all, where she’d gotten her own personal coldness from. The desire to, rather than deal with the problem, shut it out, forget it, move on.
But she’d gone out to check the mail one day and there it was, a small, cream-colored envelope with her name and address on it, return address: home. It had sat for a couple days on the table in the dining room, propped against an empty vase whose last flowers were long since forgotten.
The door was probably unlocked, but she rang the doorbell anyway. The chime was so familiar, yet sounded distant: she was definitely used to hearing it from inside.
She heard footsteps and laughter, sock-clad feet sliding on the hardwood in the entryway as a young person ran to open the door. The door swung open and revealed her six-year-old niece, Sarabelle, who grinned up at her and promptly ran off, yelling, “MOM AUNT RY-RY IS HERE!” leaving Riley to step inside and shake the snow off her coat by herself.
She busied herself with looking around the foyer. It looked much the same as she remembered. Cleaner, mostly. The walls were a new shade of pale yellow; a nice, serene yellow, not the piss-brightness of the room she used to share with her sister. There were still tracks in the carpet from the vacuum, and there was a pile of unfamiliar snowboots in the corner by the door. Skittering down the hallway now, always a few paces behind Sara, was the family dog. She obliged him with a few scratches under his threadbare chin and, content, the old dog heaved a sigh and collapsed at her feet.
She was taking in the pictures that now adorned the stairwell and didn’t notice the new person’s arrival until he spoke. “They’re all trying to get the turkey out of the oven in one piece, so they sent me to greet you.” She turned to take in the stranger and realized he wasn’t a stranger at all. Tall, dark, and handsome: he’d always been one to dress well and tonight was no exception. Clad in slacks and a fleece jacket, both black, he exuded a sophistication that wasn’t entirely an act. The facial hair looked a bit out of place on a man she’d always known to be clean-shaven, but it worked well enough… remembered fingers alighting on his cheekbones…
Blinking slowly, after an instant to clear her mind, she took the hand that was offered and followed him into the house, to warmth, to food, to friends and family, to memories shared and memories to be made, to wounds that were in desperate need of mending.
submit the URL of your favourite piece of writing and i’ll reblog it here. sometimes the words written from the fingers of strangers can reach the parts of our bones that we don’t have the strength to touch on our own.
i tried so hard to resist you - to look past the icebergs in your eyes and to write over the words you set in the palms of my hands - but you’re still here and my hands are behind your ears, leaving fingerprints on your neck and galaxies of barely-felt touches tracing your jawbone. my lips have kissed yours beneath branches in the dark. i’ve pulled the strings of your hoodie, leading your lips to mine and i have kissed them, pulling you closer while leaving traces of my scent on every inch of your face. my lips have kissed you while standing in a black and white parking lot with stars pulling our every thoughts apart from my brain to yours and from yours to mine, because they were never really supposed to be kept inside our own skulls. i have danced slowly with you on the top of a hill with the lights of the city below urging us to be closer, closer, closer until we were close enough to read the secret messages hidden in the lines of our foreheads. i have rested on your chest, memorized the thump of your heart and how it feels to hear the very organ keeping you alive beating against mine with your hands running circles in my hair and my lips crashing into yours with playful whispers. i breathed in and out and my lungs snatched every inch of air floating above our heads inside that car, but it wasn’t enough because you took every last breath from me. i couldn’t breathe and our lips were inches apart yet your lips caught mine softly, like the way you caught my heart when i didn’t realize anyone could even see it falling. i’ll save the nights for you. i’ll save the smiles felt on your lips that you can only feel the outlines of, the sound of rain falling on the roof above us, and my quick breaths and cold fingers all for you.
Today i got a dagger through my heart. I was told i wasn't the girl he wanted. That there was someone else he was supposed to be with.... Today i lived through pain but i know things will be okay through God. He has a better boy out there for me. Someone who i will be good enough for.
Would you mind taking a couple seconds out of your day to vote for me in the Mad Men casting call? There are only nine days left and I need to be in the top ten (women) - I’m so close! I know this is random but I’m just trying to reach out where I can and figured it couldn’t hurt to ask around :) If you’ve voted before, I’m sorry for asking again, but you can vote daily and I need all the help I can get. Thank you SO much!
Here’s the link:
Today I realized something important. I realized that I am a control freak, but only over myself. That means I give myself permission to be happy, to work hard, to love, but also to make a fool of myself, to take my pride away, and to hurt myself. No one can do this to me. Only I can.
Today, I made up my mind. I decided I wanted to talk with him. Tell him. I’ve been afraid for so long, but, afraid of what? It’s just a talk, nothing to lose, EVERYTHING to gain. So I went where he was suppoused to be. He wasn’t there. I’ll wait, I guess. But YOU, maybe it’s not too late for you. What do you have to lose? Take a risk, it’s gonna be worth it.
Today, I started to live. I started to realize that life is beautiful, and that all these quotes make sense. All the “take risks, have no regrets, smile, live in the present” cliches and quotes are real. It will take me awhile to listen to them, and to actually use them in my life. But i will try, and as cliche as that sounds it will all work for the best.
And the reason I have come to this conclusion, is because I have finally overcome something great. Something that will probably not be the most important thing in my life, but definately one of the more memorable. And here it is.
I have moved countries, started a new school a grade behind, become a “kid with divorced parents”, left my best friends, and have had to break up with my boyfriend/best friend because I had to move.
And through all of these problems I am dealing with, the hardest is the boy. But isn’t it always? Nothing else matters but “the boy”. But “the love”. But “the one who you fell hardest for”.
I say to myself “I am done with him”, but I know that isn’t true because I go on facebook and check his profile and get sad at the sad love songs and feel down whenever I see couples.
But then again, lately I have looked back at him and seen him as a great experience with wonderful memories, and if we were ever to see each other again it would be amazing. Because before he was my boyfriend, he was a friend. And friends are amazing.
So here are my rules: to not regret, to not forget, to move on with life, and to smile.
Today I realized the love we have for each other will go on forever. No matter how old we get we’ll always think of each other from when we were in love. I know for a fact that I will constantly think of you when I get older. And although for now our relationship has ended, I still intend on having no regrets about us for when I do think of you. Therefore, right now I am telling you that I am not letting us end like this.
You don’t like when pepole give up, so I will not give up.
Today I realized I not only want to think of you when I’m older, I want to be with you as well. I want to marry you.
A good friend of mines lost her boyfriend to a tragic car accident last month. In honor of his memory, she is currently trying to put together a concert with some of his favorite bands. One of them being The Dave Matthews Band. The only information we have so far is that they’re managed by…
We were never together. He came along after my first heartbreak, out of nowhere. I never intended for anything to happen. I was cautious, I questioned myself as to whether he was a rebound. I was wary, because I didn’t need another heartbreak, I didn’t need more pain. I didn’t need my heart to break into even more pieces. But I fell for him anyway.
On hindsight, trusting him was a problem. Because he cheated on another girl, to be with me. We kept saying we didn’t want to rush things. But I guess, we did rush things, in the end. To me, only the status was lacking. Perhaps the lack of status was the façade that we hid behind, the front we used to convince ourselves that we weren’t rushing things.
Maybe I should have seen the warning signs earlier on. He not introducing his friends or letting me know about them unless I asked, whilst I blabbered on excitedly talking about them, wanting him to know them. He, not talking about being formally together at all. He, disappearing to another gathering after he sent me home, and not telling me.
We dated for three months. Almost three months. It was possibly the best time of my life. He was the first person I liked, that i could actually communicate with. We were happy, and I honestly believed that this would be something special, that this would be something that will last. I honestly believed in him, in us. I thought that we were strong, and I wondered, what could possibly happen to break us apart.
Turns out, it didn’t take much. Everything fell apart. He started questioning how I know that he would be the one to make me happiest. He started questioning what happens should I meet someone better the next day. I told him love is more than just a feeling, that it requires discipline, responsibility and obligation. I think he was confused. He said he didn’t know what he wanted, and whether I was part of the plan he had in mind, for himself. That crushed me.
The last conversation we had was online. It is so fuzzy; I can’t really remember what happened. I just remember him saying that we have different lifestyles that it’s going to be a problem when I meet his friends. That he likes to run away, that maybe if I didn’t confront him and ask for an answer, it wouldn’t be this way. i couldn’t convince him that running away was not a solution, that running away may solve the pain, but it won’t solve the origin of the pain. But then again, maybe it didn’t matter as much to him, than it did to me. we fell apart, at our very first disagreement, at our very first obstacle. Maybe he already hooked up with the other girl then, found someone better.
It has been 3 months since everything ended. But I can remember everything, every moment spent together, like it happened just yesterday. It hurts. Especially because he could just hook up with another girl just two weeks after we fell apart. It hurts that he went overseas just two weeks after everything ended. It hurts seeing photos of them together, seeing how he brought her to places he brought me. It hurts that he could just let go and move on like that.
That is coming from a man who told me he loves me, a man who told me that he was thinking long-term, a man who constantly told me how he thinks we two are connected, a man who promised that he’ll never abandon me. & that was how I learnt that.. talk is cheap. You can say anything you want, but actions speak louder than words.
Everything that happened, makes me question. I have so many doubts that I can’t answer, on my own. Was he two-timing me as well? How can he possibly move on so fast? Was this what his ‘’love’’ measured up to? Did I mean that little? Am I such a pushover?
There are good days, there are bad days. Some days are like living hell, I ask myself questions like that, time after time. It’s frustrating because I know that I can never get an answer. It’s painful because I know that I’m trapped in my own memories. And it doesn’t help that my self esteem is not particularly high. It doesn’t help that I was just healing from the worst heartbreak of my life. It made me feel ugly and lousy. I put myself down even more. I was(am) filled with anger, a lot of anger, bitterness and hatred.
I have been asking people, what is happiness, what is being happy. And today I realized, that those are all based on my own terms. I have to be strong for myself, for the people who care about me. I have to be happy, effortlessly happy. That I am going to bounce back and come back even stronger.
A few days ago, he messaged me. he apologized, said he never meant to hurt me. he said that we can’t go back to how we were, no matter how much we wanted it. He says that he hopes I was happy during the times we interacted. What kind of a word is ‘’interacted.’’ Was that what we meant to him – just interacting? He said that he might be screwed up, but in his defense, we were only dating. And that he appreciates me for feeling so deeply for him, if I still feel so that way. And he told me to be happy.
I was angry.he has no right to tell me to be happy. And the peace that I have managed to acquire for the past 3 months, was just instantly gone like that. He has such a huge ego. So after telling someone you love them, this is what it amounted to. It didn’t help that it didn’t answer any of my questions.
I think he messaged me to make himself feel better. But I recognized the need for me to stop feeling so angry, to stop hating him. Not because he doesn’t deserve it, but because it was eating me up, it was killing my soul. And it wasn’t worth it. Above all, it was because, it dawned upon me that if God can send His one and only Son to die for us, for our sins, to forgive us, then I should find it in myself to forgive this lowly, scumbag bastard.
Silly as I may be, I still have feelings for him – still have feelings for this boy whom I gave whatever that’s left of my heart to, this boy whose laughter never failed to make my day, whose actions genuinely made me feel warm and secure, this boy who I can actually communicate with, this boy who was nice before. But today, I know that it’s time to end all these.
today, I got saved. Today, I became a Christian, finally. Whilst I can’t say that I’ve forgiven him, whilst I can’t say that I don’t hate him anymore, today is a step to achieving all that. today is a step closer to me ultimately being able to speak well of him. Today is also a step to loving myself, today is a step closer to meeting the man that God has so perfectly sculpted for me. today is the day I start believing in myself and not put myself down anymore. Today is the day I shine. I hope whatever that I’m feeling today, lasts.
After staying up for over 24 hours out of fear, I finally told my dad almost everything. I told him that I felt like therapy wasn't helping to improve our relationship because it was headed in all of the wrong directions. I told him that I wasn't over the fact that he cheated on my mom after being married for over twenty-five years, even though we've all known about it for five months already. I told him how I hated being treated like a four-year-old even though I'm seventeen, and how it's made me insecure, how it's made me feel like I don't deserve the respect of adults or my peers. I told him how I almost wanted to give up on our relationship because of how I feel, and I told him how much the idea of giving up scared me. I told him how much I hate everything I'm put through every day living through this divorce. I told him the reason why I didn't want to go to therapy in the first place: that I didn't want to have to bring all of my feelings out. I felt like I humiliated myself. I cried for what seemed like forever, to the point where the pain was more than metaphorical. I could not stand being in that room, bleeding my heart out, confessing the feelings I'd been piling up for years.
And for the first time, he listened.
And I am so relieved that he did.
i miss long drives that ended in places i’ve never been before, long grass that reached my knees, mornings where the sun imprints its light on my skin, and holding him for the first time after being apart for days that i lost count of.
Today, I am done with fear. I am done with not letting myself do things I know I actually want to do but don't because I am afriad. It's just not worth it. I know life is worth it, I know doing what you love and giving your all fearlessly is worth it. I know you're worth it. I'm done worrying about things. I'm going to face my fears.
I'm going to love without holding back.
today is our nine month anniversary. we’ve only spent two of our anniversary’s together and so to be able to spend today with you is going to be such a beautiful thing. our whole relationship has been from miles away, with the occasional week or so spent together every couple months. i have sat at…
today i was uncomfortable and nervous and horrible with words. i wanted to run away, like times before. i wanted to forget my intentions of making things right, because i wanted to take the easy way. i wanted to turn around and leave nothing behind. but i didn’t. i was brave and i was honest and i broke my own heart and started piecing it back together all in an hour. i apologized. i did it. after a year of pushing what i had done to you aside. after a year of petty looks and cruel thoughts all thrown at you. i apologized and i cried and you held me because you had forgived me long ago.
i thought being friends would be easier than forgetting about you. i didn’t want things to change, though i knew they had. best friends are hard to let go of, i guess. i thought we would be able to talk about the things we used to and that we’d still spend hour-long drives to places with no names…
Today, I made up my mind. I decided I wanted to talk with him. Tell him. I’ve been afraid for so long, but, afraid of what? It’s just a talk, nothing to lose, EVERYTHING to gain. So I went where he was suppoused to be. He wasn’t there. I’ll wait, I guess. But YOU, maybe it’s not too late for you. What do you have to lose? Take a risk, it’s gonna be worth it.
Today, I saw you again. I didn’t feel hopeless and broken anymore. I didn’t see you as the guy I want to be with—I saw you as a guy who definitely isn’t worth it. I looked at you with no intention of you looking back or talking to me. Today, I was happy to know that even after seeing you again, I truly am done with you.
Today I realized I want no less than all of him - this love is too strong, too destructive, too beautiful, too passionate, too intimate, too warm to waste on only half of him.
Today we tried to return to the way things were. Today we spoke like friends, like we used to tease and chat and banter. But today wasn’t like those other days.
Today he knew I loved him, and today I knew he knew it. And today I felt the blood in my veins pumping to tell me, “It’s one or the other. No in-between. Not anymore. It’s totally in love or totally out of the picture.”
I realized, I think I love you. And love is great. But you know what really kills me? That you’re with her. I’ve tried to not gave feelings for you, and it doesn’t work. I think part of me will be waiting for you because I think that deep down you know you should be with me, you just haven’t realized it yet. And I know we live 2 hours away from each other, but it’ll be like the song “Faithfully” by Journey. “Restless hearts, sleep alone tonight. Sending all my love along the wire … And being apart ain’t easy on this love affair, two strangers learn to fall in love again. I get the joy of rediscovering you”. It can be true, if he’ll let it. But I have hope. I have hope that one day he’ll realize this because he’s smart and amazing and everything that I need and want. I think I love you :)
I know you’ve found yourself somewhere else to live - a mansion compared to my humble, barely-furnished flat. But I just wanted you to know that I’m always here with my door open, waiting for you to come home.
Today he proposed. To all of you who said that long distance relationships don’t work and that I was crazy for waiting, quite frankly, I told you so. I told you that we’d prove you wrong and I told you that problems caused by distance were never going to be stronger than we were.
And to all of you ladies and gentlemen who are currently dating someone that lives miles and miles from you, don’t let anyone convince you of that which you know is true. They don’t know what you’ve been through and they certainly do not know how you feel. It’s all just words that stem from jealous. You’ve got something beautiful. Don’t change your mind because someone else doesn’t believe in what you have.
One year ago, today, I lived. Today was the day our lives intertwined. It was the day I sat front row at that show as you got called onto that stage. You walked on, guitar in hands. Your name sounded familiar; I did remember you being mentioned a few times awhile back. “Oh, so that’s him.” As you were performing, you made eye contact with me, and we shared one moment to ourselves just looking at each other. That’s when I knew everything would change. Complete strangers back then, and now look—we’re great friends. We talk all the time, and I fall for eery little word you say. But I came too late. I hope you’re happy with your girlfriend.
Just remember that day, one year ago, when we looked into each others’ eyes.
Today, I realized I have somethings that everyone wants. Happiness, two parents, siblings, my own room; food, water, shelter, three square meals and snacks a day; education and great friends to ask for. A house and two cars which people could classify people would instantly say to me ” Your Family is rich!”. They think I am pleased with the prizes I get from my family; when I am actually suffering. I am suffering from the expectations, the rules, the chores that my family pushes towards me. I am suffering from loneliness, insomnia and I am swatted with lies, hurtful lies that kills me bit by bit.
Although with these circumstances; with these prizes and knowing that someone else deserves all these gifts…
Today I think I got over you. Today I realized it’s never gonna happen, so why should I wait around? It’s difficult, being over you. Because sadly, you’re kind of what I’m looking for. You fit my “criteria”. Which is awful. Not that you are all of those awesome things, but that you are all the awesome things that I’m looking for, and having trouble finding. But, at the same time I don’t know if I’ll ever be over you. Mainly because of the hugs feeling of regret weighing me down. If only I told you I liked you sooner, then you would have asked me out instead of her. Oh yeah, he has a girlfriend. And then he talks to me and I just wonder, “If this is how you treat me, how in the hell do you treat your girlfriend?”. I doubt he knows it, but he flirts with me all the time. Whenever I talk to him. Which is actually what is making it difficult. Talking to him. I think that I am over him, but then I talk to him and I feel like I’m not. But he’ll see. I’ll find someone. Maybe when I do, my life will be more tolerable. But. I think I’m over him. As much as I don’t want to be. And as much as I wish that I was his, instead of her. As much as I wish that I could share the (most likely) sweet, soft kisses instead if him sharing them with her. I think I’m over him. Maybe. Yes. I think posting this has helped me realize that I am. That waiting around is worthless. That I have to move on with my life. That I have to live my life to the fullest extent, not checking to see if they’ve broken up yet. Because I think that that’s what my life is missing, living.