We were never together. He came along after my first heartbreak, out of nowhere. I never intended for anything to happen. I was cautious, I questioned myself as to whether he was a rebound. I was wary, because I didn’t need another heartbreak, I didn’t need more pain. I didn’t need my heart to break into even more pieces. But I fell for him anyway.
On hindsight, trusting him was a problem. Because he cheated on another girl, to be with me. We kept saying we didn’t want to rush things. But I guess, we did rush things, in the end. To me, only the status was lacking. Perhaps the lack of status was the façade that we hid behind, the front we used to convince ourselves that we weren’t rushing things.
Maybe I should have seen the warning signs earlier on. He not introducing his friends or letting me know about them unless I asked, whilst I blabbered on excitedly talking about them, wanting him to know them. He, not talking about being formally together at all. He, disappearing to another gathering after he sent me home, and not telling me.
We dated for three months. Almost three months. It was possibly the best time of my life. He was the first person I liked, that i could actually communicate with. We were happy, and I honestly believed that this would be something special, that this would be something that will last. I honestly believed in him, in us. I thought that we were strong, and I wondered, what could possibly happen to break us apart.
Turns out, it didn’t take much. Everything fell apart. He started questioning how I know that he would be the one to make me happiest. He started questioning what happens should I meet someone better the next day. I told him love is more than just a feeling, that it requires discipline, responsibility and obligation. I think he was confused. He said he didn’t know what he wanted, and whether I was part of the plan he had in mind, for himself. That crushed me.
The last conversation we had was online. It is so fuzzy; I can’t really remember what happened. I just remember him saying that we have different lifestyles that it’s going to be a problem when I meet his friends. That he likes to run away, that maybe if I didn’t confront him and ask for an answer, it wouldn’t be this way. i couldn’t convince him that running away was not a solution, that running away may solve the pain, but it won’t solve the origin of the pain. But then again, maybe it didn’t matter as much to him, than it did to me. we fell apart, at our very first disagreement, at our very first obstacle. Maybe he already hooked up with the other girl then, found someone better.
It has been 3 months since everything ended. But I can remember everything, every moment spent together, like it happened just yesterday. It hurts. Especially because he could just hook up with another girl just two weeks after we fell apart. It hurts that he went overseas just two weeks after everything ended. It hurts seeing photos of them together, seeing how he brought her to places he brought me. It hurts that he could just let go and move on like that.
That is coming from a man who told me he loves me, a man who told me that he was thinking long-term, a man who constantly told me how he thinks we two are connected, a man who promised that he’ll never abandon me. & that was how I learnt that.. talk is cheap. You can say anything you want, but actions speak louder than words.
Everything that happened, makes me question. I have so many doubts that I can’t answer, on my own. Was he two-timing me as well? How can he possibly move on so fast? Was this what his ‘’love’’ measured up to? Did I mean that little? Am I such a pushover?
There are good days, there are bad days. Some days are like living hell, I ask myself questions like that, time after time. It’s frustrating because I know that I can never get an answer. It’s painful because I know that I’m trapped in my own memories. And it doesn’t help that my self esteem is not particularly high. It doesn’t help that I was just healing from the worst heartbreak of my life. It made me feel ugly and lousy. I put myself down even more. I was(am) filled with anger, a lot of anger, bitterness and hatred.
I have been asking people, what is happiness, what is being happy. And today I realized, that those are all based on my own terms. I have to be strong for myself, for the people who care about me. I have to be happy, effortlessly happy. That I am going to bounce back and come back even stronger.
A few days ago, he messaged me. he apologized, said he never meant to hurt me. he said that we can’t go back to how we were, no matter how much we wanted it. He says that he hopes I was happy during the times we interacted. What kind of a word is ‘’interacted.’’ Was that what we meant to him – just interacting? He said that he might be screwed up, but in his defense, we were only dating. And that he appreciates me for feeling so deeply for him, if I still feel so that way. And he told me to be happy.
I was angry.he has no right to tell me to be happy. And the peace that I have managed to acquire for the past 3 months, was just instantly gone like that. He has such a huge ego. So after telling someone you love them, this is what it amounted to. It didn’t help that it didn’t answer any of my questions.
I think he messaged me to make himself feel better. But I recognized the need for me to stop feeling so angry, to stop hating him. Not because he doesn’t deserve it, but because it was eating me up, it was killing my soul. And it wasn’t worth it. Above all, it was because, it dawned upon me that if God can send His one and only Son to die for us, for our sins, to forgive us, then I should find it in myself to forgive this lowly, scumbag bastard.
Silly as I may be, I still have feelings for him – still have feelings for this boy whom I gave whatever that’s left of my heart to, this boy whose laughter never failed to make my day, whose actions genuinely made me feel warm and secure, this boy who I can actually communicate with, this boy who was nice before. But today, I know that it’s time to end all these.
today, I got saved. Today, I became a Christian, finally. Whilst I can’t say that I’ve forgiven him, whilst I can’t say that I don’t hate him anymore, today is a step to achieving all that. today is a step closer to me ultimately being able to speak well of him. Today is also a step to loving myself, today is a step closer to meeting the man that God has so perfectly sculpted for me. today is the day I start believing in myself and not put myself down anymore. Today is the day I shine. I hope whatever that I’m feeling today, lasts.
